I just feel fat and disgusted with myself. Why is this?
Ugh. Fuck everything right now.
I feel like I need to blog again, especially about my weight and my control. I'm tired of just holding my feelings regarding about my weight in. I think blogging about it will help me much more and reduce the compulsive and obsessive thoughts I have about my body.
I gained so much confidence and learned to love my body. But at times it does hurt to know that you are the fat friend. All of my friends are skinny and next to them, I look humongous. If I am put next to the average person, well then I just remain average. I no longer want to be average. I was to be better than average.
I weigh around 180 now. I have lost just about 30 pounds so far and I do not to forward to ever gaining that back. I think I have to become more serious about loosing weight. I eat rather healthy, I just need to work out more.
Sometimes I can really feel insecure. It pains me to feel this way. But the people around me make me feel this way. They feed into my mind that I need to be and look a certain way. Well guess what, you won. Now I can't stop thinking about looking a certain way.
|So I woke up today and weighed myself. Found out I weigh 196.5lbs! I haven't weighed 196.5 in about what seems like forever (probably a year) I've been stuck at 198 and up, It finally feels good to be going down again. |
I'm so Happy! I have lost a total of 13 lbs, I'm going to keep on going even stronger.
The second day of my work out, I was so tired and exhausted I only went on the elliptical for 10 minutes. But I figured 10 minutes is better than no minutes!
Yesterday, I was at work all day. Worked about 13 hours, 13 hours of non-stop movement. Walking for fucking 13 hours. My job is a little ridiculous. By the time I came home I had no energy or sensation in my feet, so I didn't work out.
In the past week, I have been watching what I eat, carefully and trying to limit myself from bad things. So far, it's all going good.
There are 46 days until Mexico, I would LOVE to weight around 160 by then, is that even realistic??? That's 36lbs in 46 days.. Hopefully.
Nothing gets me more mad then the fact that how when I lost all this weight I weight 164 and then slowly it all came back and more. How could I do this to myself? Do I have no self control?
|New Layout means time for New ME.|
I figured if I change my Xanga, it will get me more motivated to write in it. So I did earlier today.
I ended up working out for the first time in a while.
-30 minutes on the eliptical, it's been so long since I've worked out, even that was challenging.
I guess I just had this sudden burst of motivation, primarily for summer.
1. I am going to Florida in 2 weeks
2. I am going to Mexico in May
3. I am planning on going to Miami in July/August & down the shore, tons.
I don't really want to be embarrassed of my body anymore. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. I need to change, NOW. If I keep putting it on hold, well I might as well just stay the way that I am.
-goodnight & staystrong<3